Running a personal website is a difficult thing for me to do. Actually, that’s not strictly correct – it’s the maintenance part that’s tricky. I occasionally hit the big red button and delete a bunch of articles, invariably after re-reading some of the stuff I’ve written. One such occasion was earlier this month.
I stand by everything I write, here and elsewhere, but I don’t want to be reminded of my past. I declared a kind of blog bankruptcy and deleted everything. I’ve reset the site to a default theme and I’ve trimmed things back to a point that I’m mostly comfortable with.
I recently contracted Bell’s palsy and the subsequent steroid course did a number on my immune system. The psychological side-effects of a partially-working body made me think about what’s really important for me, and I pinpointed some changes that need to be made.
I used to care; really, I used to care too much. I got badly burned, and that caring mentality evaporated. There were tell-tale signs of this descent into not caring: the paring back of social media to the point that it no longer mattered to me, actively avoiding news and current affairs, not committing to things on the grounds that I might not be able to do it, and so on.
My writer’s block is no doubt connected to my ongoing self-diagnosed depression, and the chaotic environment I exist in is an amplifier for both.
Please understand this is all statement of fact, nor churlish moaning. I am working on all of the above, with a view to making things better. The mere fact I can write this is a considerable step forward in terms of short-term progress.
I’ll write more soon.